How to talk about grief and loss
Helpful ways to support someone at an emotional time
We’re teaming up with R U OK? to share tips for helping those in your life who might be doing it tough. It’s all part of the series: When Life Happens, ask R U OK? proudly supported by ING Australia.
When someone we care about is grieving, it can be hard to know how to support them.
Grief is a deeply personal journey, and you might be worried you’ll say the wrong thing or won’t know how to help. But connection and conversations can make a real difference – whether someone you care about has lost a loved one, a pet, experienced a major life change or is struggling with a sense of loss.
With the help of Griefline, R U OK? has pulled together these conversation tips to help you support a friend, family member or colleague navigating grief or loss.
Preparing for the conversation
Talking to someone who is grieving can feel daunting. You may be unsure of what to say or how to lend support. Here are some practical ways to help them.
4 practical ways you can help
- Practice active listening. People who are grieving often say friends and family talk too much. Instead, focus on listening. Use open body language, ask gentle questions and repeat parts of what they’ve shared to show them you understand.
- Let them lead the conversation. Everyone experiences grief differently. Avoid questioning or challenging their feelings. Let them share at their own pace and resist the urge to give them advice unless they ask for it.
- Be ready for emotional responses. Grief can bring out anger, sadness, guilt or confusion. In the early days, they may repeat their story or focus on facts to avoid confronting their emotions. Be patient and supportive, even if their emotions seem unpredictable.
- Keep the door open. Grief doesn’t follow a timeline. It can last weeks, months or a lifetime and emotions will change along the way. Check in regularly and remind them you’re there whenever they need support. Over time, you can shift the focus to life after loss.
Choose your support style
There are many ways you can offer support to someone dealing with grief. Consider what feels most natural to you and what might be most meaningful to them. Here are some ways you can provide support to someone experiencing grief and loss.
Offer emotional support
In the days and weeks after a major loss, emotional support is crucial. This includes both verbal and non-verbal communication – listening with empathy, acknowledging their pain and offering comforting gestures like a hug or a gentle touch. Be prepared for difficult conversations, as they may need to share distressing details.
Have supportive conversations
These go a little bit deeper than emotional support. As time passes, they may open up more about their grief. They might share stories about the person they lost or try to make sense of their emotions. Follow their lead – some people need time before they’re ready to talk in depth.
2 tips on what (and not) to say
- Be specific. Rather asking broad questions like ‘How can I help? Or ‘Let me know
if you need anything’ – be specific. Instead, make specific offers, such as: ‘I want to support you in any ways that are helpful to you. Would you prefer I call or text or drop-in?’, ‘Should we arrange a regular chat? It could be daily or weekly?’, or ‘Do you want
me to drop by the store and grab you some groceries?’ - Be genuine. Avoid platitudes as a way of expressing your sympathy. Well-worn statements such as ‘They’re in a better place now’, ‘Everything will be okay’, ‘Everything happens for a reason’ can feel generic. ‘I know what you’re going through’ is dismissive of a person’s unique grief experience. Instead, try words that offer genuine support, such as ‘I can’t imagine what you’re going through right now, but I am here for you.’
Share helpful information
Many people feel pressured to grieve a certain way. You can reassure them that grief is a personal journey with no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to process loss. Sharing resources or insights about grief can help them feel validated and understood.
Provide practical help
Daily tasks can feel overwhelming when someone is grieving. If conversation is difficult, offer support through actions instead such as:
- dropping off a home-cooked meal or setting up a meal train
- picking up groceries or running errands
- helping with household chores or minor repairs
- assisting with the eulogy or memorial or making phone calls to help organise the funeral.
Look after yourself, too
Supporting someone can be challenging and emotionally demanding. It might stir up strong emotions for you. While you want to be there for your those you care about, it’s also important you have someone to talk to about new feelings that may arise. Whether it’s a trusted friend, parent or professional, seek out support for yourself too. Remember, we’re better able to help others when we look after ourselves.
More helpful resources
Keep these resources handy for you and your friend.
- Griefline
For free phone support call Griefline on 1300 845 745, 8am – 8pm, 7 days (AEST/AEDT) or download their free e-book on supporting a grieving friend. - Suicide Call Back Service
Suicide Call Back Service offers 24/7 phone and online chat support for family and friends who have lost someone to suicide. To talk to someone call 1300 659 467. - SEMPHN
The Growing Around Grief toolkit by SEMPHN contains guides to having supportive conversations with a loved one who has lost someone to suicide. - Sands
Sands offers 24/7 phone support for people (and their family and friends) who have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn loss on 1300 308 307. - Lifeline
If you’re worried about the safety of a loved one, please call Lifeline 24/7 on 13 11 14.
ING Australia is a proud Conversation Partner of R U OK? and supporter of the When Life Happens, ask R U OK? series. For more tips about supporting someone you know who’s experiencing grief and loss, visit the R U OK? website.