R U OK?

It takes a village to support a parent

We’re teaming up with R U OK? to share tips for helping those in your life who might be doing it tough. It’s all part of the series: When Life Happens, ask R U OK? proudly supported by ING Australia. Content warning: this article discusses mental ill-health and suicide.

The joy (and challenge) of parenthood

Welcoming a new child into the family is usually a happy occasion. But as any new parent will tell you, new children also bring momentous change to those around them.

‘Many people find tremendous joy in becoming a parent, but research also points to some significant challenges,’ says parenting expert Justin Coulson.

‘It’s often both. Our emotions are like waves: one minute we’re feeling completely absorbed in the love of this child, the next minute we’re terrified.’

The arrival of a child can have significant and wide-ranging impacts on the emotional health of the parents.

Lack of sleep, financial stress, and changing relationships and priorities are some of the common factors that take a toll on families of new children.

Complicated feelings

One of those parents is Ashleigh Howley, a nurse from Shellharbour NSW, who experienced anxiety and depression following the birth of her daughter.

‘I was super excited to be a mum,’ said Ashleigh. ‘My pregnancy and birth went really well. But I was a bit naïve and unaware of what came next.’

When she had some difficulties breastfeeding, Ashleigh began to experience feelings of guilt and failure.

‘I couldn’t see all the other wonderful things that I was doing for my daughter – I just dwelt on that one thing I couldn’t do.’

At the peak of her postnatal depression and anxiety, Ashleigh recalls feeling ‘so useless that I began to think that my daughter would be better off without me.’

How to help a struggling parent

‘When someone is struggling with life, it can really help them feel seen, heard and valued,’ explains Justin. ‘You don’t need to be a therapist to do this, just a friend.’

This was certainly the case for Ashleigh.

When she was struggling with postnatal depression and anxiety, her family and close friends, alongside professional support, were critical for helping her through the difficult period.

‘They could tell that I was struggling and they were constantly, physically there for me,’ she remembers. ‘I was never alone.’

‘The best thing they did for me was that they never made me feel as though I was being dramatic. It was so validating to be made feel as though my problems were real.’

5 more ways to show your support

Here are some practical tips on how you can support the new parents in your world.

• Check in often. Regularly ask new parents how they’re going. This lets them know you care and gives them the space to share how they’re feeling.
• Listen to understand first, not solve. Start out by acknowledging how they’re feeling and encourage them to tell you more.
• Ask what might help. They might just want to just to talk it through or they might prefer some practical support, like help with childcare or life admin.
• Reach out to PANDA. Perinatal Anxiety & Depression Australia (PANDA) provides free counselling, referrals and peer support from parents who’ve been through similar challenges. Contact the PANDA National Helpline here or call 1300 726 306.
• Ask your GP. They can also provide tailored support and referrals for people experiencing perinatal depression, anxiety and associated conditions.

ING Australia is a proud Conversation Partner of R U OK? and supporter of the When Life Happens, ask R U OK? series. For more tips, visit ruok.org.au/life-happens.